I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
