He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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