Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
