I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
