So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
