why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
