I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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