Soap is not a condiment
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
