dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
