her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
