Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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