I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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