if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
