U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
