WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
