I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
