I wish they made helmets for livers.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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