I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My hand turned me down
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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