Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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