I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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