So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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