Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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