Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
a search helicopter?!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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