Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The struggles of a small town man whore
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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