I wish life had little blips of pornography
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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