I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
