sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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