I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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