So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
