guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
