in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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