i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
