I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
