Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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