Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
