were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
