I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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