He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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