mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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