I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
