Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
