i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
