Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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