just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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