I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
