I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
