He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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