theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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