she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
