My first STD was from a foam party
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
